


Letters to my darling

by Justahumbletrashcan



Series: Phan Oneshots [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Daniel Howell - Freeform, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 10:43:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15313752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justahumbletrashcan/pseuds/Justahumbletrashcan
Summary: Phil discovers a letter from Dan, and writes one back. (WARNING: CONTAINS SUICIDE)





	Letters to my darling

_I fell in love with your eyes. The eyes that are so blue, so breathtaking. The eyes that are my very own boundless ocean. I could swim in them for hours, and to drown would be the sweetest death._

_I fell in love with your smile. The smile that casts a blinding beam of light onto this dark, dark world. The smile that never fails to remind me how much I'm loved, or how deep my love runs for you._

_I fell in love with your laugh. The laugh that is so joyful, so endearing. The laugh that pulls me through my darkest days, your music to my ears is unrivalled in its divine beauty._

_I fell in love with your heart. The heart that bursts with endless compassion and radiates warmth. The heart that holds so much love, just for me, just for us. Your heart truly is a treasure to behold, my darling._

_I fell in love with every piece of you; every inch of your body, every perfect flaw and charming quirk. I fell in love with with your beautiful soul, your fascinating mind._

_I fell in love with you, Phil. And it's with this letter, because you know I'm not very good with words, that I ask if you'll do me the greatest honour of becoming my husband.  
So whadd'ya say, Lester?_

_All my love,_

_Your Bear x_

 

My fingers trembled as I read the words so lovingly written on the paper, tears falling down my cheeks. This morning I discovered the letter tucked carefully beneath my pillow, where Dan knew I would find it in search for something or other. He was right- the contents of our bedroom are still strewn across the carpet because I couldn't find my glasses. The pillow was tossed across the room, and there it was, sitting neatly on the mattress.

_To my lion_ , it had read. No letter has ever made me feel more blessed to be on this Earth, nor to have met the man that changed my life.

I took out a pen and some paper. 

 

_My darling Dan,_

_I have loved you since the very first time I saw your face. That was 8 years ago now, and my love for you has never ceased for second, not ever. When you ran into my arms at the train station that day, and looked into my eyes, I knew. From that moment on, you became my life._

_It would be impossible, sweetheart, to fully express in words how much I love you. So maybe I can show you instead, when I place the ring on your finger._

_With love always,_

_Phil xxx_

Letter in hand, I walked over to Dan's grave and sat on the ageing bench to gather myself. How could the universe be so, so cruel? When he went out that afternoon, I never expected it to be the last time I looked into his gorgeous eyes, or felt the comforting warmth of his gentle touch. He told me he would be back soon, that he had something to do. He never returned.

His funeral was the worst day of my life; it didn't feel real, seeing his coffin sealed on a table whilst the room mourned. My Dan, the love of my life, lay dead and there was nothing I could do to change it. All purpose left my existence that day.

Today was the first time I'd been in our bedroom since his death. I guess I just didn't want to accept it; if I slept in our bed, there would be no strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, protecting me as we explored our own little dream worlds. I wouldn't feel his hot breath on my neck, his thumbs absentmindedly caressing my skin in the dark. There would be no Dan, no bear, and that was not something I could handle.

When I couldn't find my glasses, I strode into our room without thinking and flung our things everywhere, until I eventually uncovered the letter that stabbed my heart and bled my eyes dry.

Tears blurred the ink on the envelope as I placed it on the soil, bitterly wishing our story could've ended differently.

_In loving memory of Daniel James Howell_  
11th June 1991- 26th November 2016  
Taken from the world before his time.   
A loving son, brother and boyfriend,   
He will be sorely missed.

With a deep breath and one last glance, I picked myself up and continued my journey. There was one last place I needed to go, and today was the perfect time- perhaps it was fate. Rain pummelled the path in iron sheets as I made my way towards the raging water. It looked particularly fierce at the moment- swirling and hissing with the howling wind, steely grey waves frothing dangerously. Soon enough, my toes hung over the riverbank precariously, and a sense of calm washed over me. It was time.

"See you soon, Bear." I whispered, and with that, I threw myself over the edge. No more pain, no more suffering, no more yearning for what could never be. It all ended as the cold consumed my body, freezing the life from my veins. At last, we would be reunited. Our love would be eternal, lasting beyond our years on Earth. Be waiting, my darling. I'm coming.


End file.
